Poisonous Perfection
One of the things that is a frequent topic of conversation in my circles is the biblical canon. Nerds we are, I know! Specifically, my peers and I like to ponder and discuss how it might have gone down at the various meetings where it was decided which writings that were circulating in the first couple of centuries after the death of Jesus would get in the Bible, and which were left out. There were incredible politics that went into the canonization process, particularly around the Gospel of John. We can go down that rabbit hole another day, but what my friends and I will sometimes do is consider the question, “If we could add more modern writings to the Bible, what might be considered worthy of being an addition to a modernized canon?”
It's a fascinating conversation. Some of my friends have suggested some of the prayers written by Mother Teresa, or Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr’s Letter from a Birmingham Jail, or the writings of Teresa of Avila. We definitely have more current works that we can argue appear to be inspired by God, or that find modern or impactful language to communicate the teachings of Jesus.
On this note, I will start today by quoting to you from the lower case “g” gospel of Lasso. Ted Lasso. Many of you are probably already aware of this television show, where an American college football coach is hired to coach a Premiere League football (AKA soccer) team in England. The writing in the show is so incredibly wise and quotable, and often is akin to veiled religious teachings about how we all can be better people, how we can build each other up, and love each other better. In the final season, which was released in recent months, there is a scene where the coaches and a couple of other men are sitting around and talking, and the topic of perfection comes up. And one of the coaches, Coach Beard, who is a quirky character with a complex back story says, “Change isn’t trying to be perfect. Perfection sucks. Perfection is boring.”
The group then goes down a rabbit trail talking about things that are arguably perfect – foods, music albums, films, etc. But then they come back to this notion of perfectionism in people. And another character, named Higgins, looks at the character who introduced this topic of perfectionism and says, “Human beings are never going to be perfect, Roy. The best we can do is keep asking for help and accepting it when you can. And if you keep on doing that, you’ll always be moving towards better.” The characters then jokingly remark how that is a perfect statement about the human experience.
As I was looking at the lectionary texts for today, I found myself drawn to the reading from Romans, which is interesting because, for me, this is a pretty cringy text. I don’t know what was going in the Apostle Paul’s life at the particular moment he wrote this, I mean aside from horrible religious persecution under the Roman empire where he was frequently hiding, fearing for his life, or in prison. But Paul was very clearly working something out in himself as he wrote this part of his letter to the church in Rome. It’s like he’s externally processing some internal wrestling.
I imagine that folks at the church that received this many centuries ago, just like me, read this section and were like, “Whoa! I’m not quite sure what to do with all that!” Paul is writing about the internal tensions and struggles that keep pulling him away from doing the things he wants to do and living the life he wants to live as a follower of Jesus. The language reads almost as if he is one struggling with addiction. He feels out of control and unable to understand himself. He notes that he sees others struggling in the same ways. And he arrives almost at a point of self-loathing, writing “Wretched person that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” And then he ends this section sounding almost resigned – that while his mind is enslaved to the law of God, his flesh, his body, is enslaved to the law of sin.
As I read this text, I find myself wanting to ask Paul to be a little more gentle with himself. Remember that Paul was highly apocalyptic, believing that the Parousia, the return of Jesus to finish the work, was immanent. I have to imagine that this deeply held belief is part of what fueled Paul’s intensity on some seemingly small issues relative to the Christian faith, while not talking much about the social issues that Jesus spent the bulk of his ministry talking about. Paul was probably trying to be as perfect as possible, and convince others to be the same, for just a little bit longer – just get it together and hang on for a sec because any minute, Jesus is coming back to tell us the rest. I imagine his operating from a place of “Hey guys, let’s just be ridiculously perfect real quick so when Jesus returns to judge the living and the dead, he won’t need to spend much time judging us because we have a spotless record since he departed.” Kind of reminds of my girls when they act inexplicably well-behaved and sweet right before they ask me for something.
I struggle with this text. I really do. I struggle with any teaching of the church, whether derived from scripture or not, that insists on perfection. I mean, wasn’t the whole point of God becoming incarnate in the person of Jesus to provide a perfect example for us because we are incapable of perfection as fallen people in a broken world? Jesus dying on a cross didn’t make perfection possible for us. I thought Jesus died on the cross because we can never be perfect, and as a result of our inability to live perfect lives, we needed and still need God’s abundant grace and love for us to fill in the gap between our messy lives and perfection. Paul even notes this just two chapters earlier in the same letter to the church in Rome – he says all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God and are justified by his grace as a gift. So what gives, Paul? Why so much anger when you can’t get it right?
Perhaps, what Paul offers us in this section of Romans is not a blueprint for how to hate on ourselves when we can’t get it right. Perhaps Paul is showing us his humanness. Perhaps Paul is holding up a mirror for us to see how beating ourselves down when we fail at a game of perfection that we are never going to win is not healthy or helpful.
One of my favorite authors and podcasters is a researcher and social worker named Dr. Brené Brown (you’ve probably heard me talk about her before). Her research focus is on courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy – and she has a lot of research and writing on perfectionism. As you can probably guess, she’d not a fan. She believes our culture frequently promotes perfectionism in our work and in our lives and that the results are toxic for all of us. In her research, and in her bestselling book The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brown writes about the five things perfectionism is not, and I think it is helpful for us to consider these as we reflect on living our lives in faith.
She writes that first, perfectionism is not striving for excellence. It’s not about healthy achievement and growth. Rather, she notes that perfectionism is a defensive move. When I think about this in connection with Christianity, it makes sense. In the times in my life where I have found myself engaged with Christian communities that demand a holiness that mirrors perfectionism, so often the result is bitterness and shame. When the expectation is perfection, something we can never actually achieve, the shame that emerges when folks fall short makes everyone angry at one another – pointing fingers and making each other feel bad for failing.
Dr. Brown also writes that perfection is not the self-protection we think it is. Rather, she says it’s a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us but instead that shield prevents us from really being seen by anyone. Since perfection isn’t really attainable, anyone who only shows a “perfect” version of themselves to others is never really able to be a whole person with anyone. It's like a veneer that we can shellack on ourselves but never let’s anyone inside. Some of the best and most holy parts of human relationships come from connecting over those things that make us feel vulnerable, not perfect, vulnerable and messy.
She also notes that perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfection is, at its core, about trying to earn approval from others. She writes that perfectionism is connected to a debilitating belief system that says, “I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it” – and she names the four Ps - please, perform, perfect, prove.
The miracle of our faith is that God loved us as beloved creation, even in our very imperfect state. God thought we were lovable enough to be redeemed despite our imperfections and God continues to love us and redeem us even though we are just as imperfect of a beloved creation as we were thousands of years ago.
Finally, I want to share that Dr. Brené Brown states that perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. Rather, perfectionism is a function of shame. Perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. Perfectionism is a function of shame.
Shame has been operative in Christian communities for a long time, probably because shame is a powerful motivator and can very effectively be used to control the behavior of others. I have had shame employed on me in many Christian circles over the years – as a child who didn’t want to listen to the grownups in church, as a teenager who was too cool to stand and give a personal testimony at church camp, as a college student who wasn’t making regular church attendance enough of a priority, and plenty of times in my adult life. I’ve had the line from Jesus’ sermon on the Mount spoken to me out of context – “Be perfect, as your father in heaven is perfect.”
But as Brené Brown reminds us, perfectionism isn’t real. It’s a function of shame. And having a Christian faith where shame is a primary ingredient may not be the healthiest way in which we forge relationships with God and with one another.
On Ted Lasso, Higgins said, “Human beings are never going to be perfect, Roy. The best we can do is keep asking for help and accepting it when you can. And if you keep on doing that, you’ll always be moving towards better.” Perhaps this is a message from the future that our very burdened and apocalyptic Apostle Paul needed to hear. None of us will attain perfection. Beating ourselves up over that is a waste of time and energy in our fleeting, sacred, and God-given lives. If we rely on one another, and rely on God, we will always be moving toward better. And God’s redeeming work – the work of Jesus on the cross – reminds us that the gap between our messy lives and perfection WILL be filled with grace and love.
May it be so. Amen.
